I’ve been stuck. For a long time now.
I’ve made the choice to be here. I’ve found myself, time and time again, walking back to the same hell, to the monsters I awoke. I’ve been doing the same things, reading the same lines, holding on to things I’ve known I must bury.
It isn’t that easy. It isn’t one of those things you walk away from. Not when all of that despair has become your home. Not when all of the pain has become comforting. Not when reassurance is weaved into the hopelessness. Not when paranoia slithers into any form of happiness. Not when everything you are and everything you’ve become is held in place by the things that haunt you incessantly. Not when you see it in the eyes of the people you love. Not when their gorgeous smiles conjure demons you’ve suffered to silence. Not when your mirror still reflects the girl you buried.
I try. I huddle to warmth and drown in their light. I’ve stopped digging into my scars; I’m letting them heal. I hug people for longer, with the entirety of my soul. I hold hands with the people who refuse to let my demons have their home, beautiful people whose eyes hold entire universes brimming with love and light. I say things I’d rather leave unsaid because I’ve learned the things we leave unsaid stay with us forever and I know I’d rather have them decorating their eyes than dying inside of me. I hold close everything that unsettles me, walk into places that make my heart rattle it’s cages and rage achingly.
I am learning to let go.
Because it’s time. Because the things I’ve been holding on to are the things that are holding me back, from smiling wider, loving harder, wanting things to the point of pain, desperation in the most beautiful sense; from myself.
Let go of the things that hold you back. Because you can. Because you are infinitely beautiful and all of that gorgeousness is veiled by your persistence to hold on to these monsters you think define you. Because there are stars buried beneath your skin and they still shimmer despite your constant attempts to dull them. Because your scars aren’t flaws, your wounds aren’t ugly. Because the sight of your nails covered in your blood is not something you need to hide. Because you are brilliance sewn into flesh, disarmingly beautiful, intensely maddening and you mustn’t let another tell you otherwise.
So, let go. Free fall into the chaos.
Let love make you whole.